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Republicans Won’t Do Much Convening in Florida, Colbert Thinks


“Well, at least they don’t have a lot of old people down there. Or at least, thanks to their governor, they won’t in about three weeks.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“As one G.O.P. representative put it, ‘Everybody just assumes no one is going.’ Yeah, even the R.S.V.P.s say, ‘Check one: “Not attending,” “What? No!,” or “I’m ready, Jesus.”’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“I don’t blame any of these people for not going. Not only is Florida the new epicenter, but in addition, ‘Party officials were considering docking cruise ships in the city’s port to provide extra lodging.’ So, you’re in Florida, spending all day in an auditorium full of screaming people who won’t wear masks, then you go home to sleep on a floating petri dish. The only way it would be more infectious is if the dinner was an all-you-can-bob lasagna buffet.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

”Yeah, the president is now holding a three-day outdoor event in Florida in August. It will be worth watching just to see Trump lap up glasses of water like a thirsty golden retriever. And poor Mike Pence is going to be sweating like he’s sitting through a ‘Drag Race’ marathon.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yeah, Trump decided to move the convention outside after meeting with his most trusted advisers, Chuck Woolery and the My Pillow guy.” — JIMMY FALLON

“They’re shutting down again. Hollywood loves a sequel. This time it’s ‘Shutdown 2: We Opened Up 2 Fast and People Are Furious.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It was also announced that Los Angeles and San Diego have abandoned plans for even a partial physical return to classrooms. No in-person schooling. So bullies, you’re going to have to get the nerds to Venmo you their lunch money.” — STEPHEN COLBERT



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